Gershwin's Rhapsody In Blue Makes Me Feel Alive

Luke Ford writes: When I hear the music, I don’t feel abandoned. Instead, I feel like my life is full and rich and exciting. I have so many plans and projects. I want to step into my cold shower, go for my 30-minute walk listening to Laura Hillenbrand‘s latest book on CD, perhaps bounce up and down for a minute and break into a run for a block or two, then prepare my delicious orange smoothie with Metamucil and sip it while I read the news online and finally launch into my day.

I’m ready to tackle the most difficult subjects. Perhaps I’ll just free write in my journal. Then I might listen back to my last therapy session and then launch into some blog posts. I’ll keep the really embarrassing ones on private for now, perhaps publish edited versions later.

This is great. I’m not thinking about sex. I haven’t had any in more than a year and that’s fine. 

Casino Jack - The Jack Abramoff Movie

Luke Ford writes: I enjoyed this new film about disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff. It reminded me of myself.

Like Jack, I converted to Orthodox Judaism (he was born Jewish but came to Orthodoxy later in life) but simultaneously yearned to be a big shot in the wider world. Like Jack, I got high from success and became lost in my own grandiosity, countenancing behaviors and beliefs contrary to my religion.

Like Jack, I’m pretty shaky on ethics. I often feel like I’m above the law. In fact, crossing boundaries can be exciting. “The rules don’t apply to you,” a friend once said to me bitterly.

Like Jack, I don’t think anything he did is so terrible. He exploited Indian tribes? Only to the extent that they allowed themselves to be exploited. If I went up to you and asked you to pay me $30 million to lobby on your behalf, and you paid me, then you’d be a damn fool and I’d have a lot of chutzpah. 

I Fear Life Is Passing Me By

Luke Ford writes: As I was blogging away tonight with my thoughts on the movie Casino Jack, I got a text asking: “Are you at the BINA event?”

I didn’t even know there was a BINA event tonight. I love BINA events. Everything they do is first class and they attract a lot of hotties.

So I sit in front of my computer listening to John Denver sing “Annie’s Song” and I ask you again — is life passing me by? Life is at the BINA events celebrating Yom Ha’atzmaut (Israeli Independence Day). Truth be told, I did nothing this year to celebrate Yom Ha’atzmaut.

I start my days with cold showers and brisk 30-minute walks followed by three hours of Alexander Technique. If I have anything left after that, it’s a bonus.

When Our Beliefs Are Just Muscle Tension

Luke Ford writes: I heard something hard to swallow from an Alexander Technique teacher — that all of our beliefs are just unnecessary muscle tension, and that when we let go of that unnecessary tension, we let go of our beliefs.

I’ve always had strong beliefs — beliefs that frequently changed but were firmly held at the time and inflicted on others.

I grew up an Australian Seventh-Day Adventist preacher’s kid in love with the civilizing mission of the English-speaking world (in particular the examples of liberty set by England and the United States).

In college, I flirted with Marxism for a couple of years and then converted to Judaism — a return to the best of my values from my childhood.

So now my life is Alexander Technique and the more I study it, the more easily I hold myself neutral in the sturm and drang of life. 

I Love My CPAP Machine

Luke Ford writes: More than anything, I think my CPAP machine has dramatically improved my life over the past three months.

A doctor prescribed it to me to help with my sleep apnea (which I only discovered at the end of 2010).

I’m not conscious of getting more hours of sleep. I estimate I get about five hours a night (even though I am typically in bed for nine).

I just know that I wake up feeling better. I used to wake up a lot with a headache from oxygen deprivation. That doesn’t happen any more, even when I have a lousy night’s sleep.

I get up, I take my cold shower, and I go for my 30-minute walk and I’m ready to bench press my day. 

I View Myself As A Fearless Truth-Teller

Luke Ford writes: Yet I have all the same feelings as a normal human being.

When I am writing, I am using all of my senses. I am the receptive to everything the universe sends me.

When I read my work publicly, or when I publish it, I strap on my armor to steel myself to the reactions. I keep telling myself, “I don’t care what they think.”

I don’t buy it when people say, “I don’t care what other people think.” I’ve never met anyone of whom it was true and I am glad. Such a person would be a psychopath.

People often get the impression from me that I don’t care what other people think. That is not true. I care intensely what other people think. If you prick me, do I not need bleed? If you rub my tummy, do I not stand tall?

What Do You Notice?

Luke Ford writes: Despite this problem of mine and despite my continued reluctance to engage with the question, I’ve made at least average progress through my lessons.

(A friend told me the other day, “I don’t think I’ve known any student who’s had as many doubters as you’ve had.” That’s because I was so unaware of my body when I started and had a helluva time following my Alexander directions. I appeared sunk in my hips, collapsed in my back, down in my trunk, and lost in bad habits of use.)

So perhaps it is not so important to be able to answer this question? I’ve made great progress while still engaging it reluctantly and haltingly. Perhaps the kinesthetic experience of working under the hands and verbal instructions of a good Alexander teacher are enough to guide one to good use? If so, then others can learn the same way.

I discuss the weekly Torah portion with Rabbi Rabbs every Monday at 7pm PST on my live cam and on YouTube. Facebook Fan Page. This week we study Parashat Pinchas (Numbers 25:10-30:1).